


Not Miserable

by LadyC



Series: After the End [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Avengers: Endgame Fix-It, Heart-to-Heart, M/M, Pining, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Stars, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-07
Updated: 2019-05-07
Packaged: 2020-02-27 16:08:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18742450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyC/pseuds/LadyC
Summary: In the wake of the Return, Steve is struggling to process his emotions. It’s crazy to Bucky that no one else can see it.





	Not Miserable

**Author's Note:**

> This is part of the "After the End" series, which takes place in a universe where the last ten minutes of Endgame were Tony's near-death fantasy and the Avengers are all staying with Tony, Pepper, and Morgan while they figure out what to do next. 
> 
> Title from a Frightened Rabbit song. 
> 
> "Though it's easier now, I will always remember the night that I almost drowned, all alone in a house..."

Bucky blinks awake. Something’s wrong. He reaches over to the other side of the overly big, overly soft bed and finds it empty. Of course it’s empty. A disappointment, perhaps, but not a surprise. 

When Pepper had asked him and Steve if they’d be okay sharing a room due to limited space, Bucky had said yes without giving it a second thought. Why would he? He figured he’d spent more nights of his life with Steve than without him. (If you didn’t count his time as the Winter Soldier, that is. Bucky does not.) He even thought it might be nice for both of them, a reassurance that they were both safe and solid and real.   

To Bucky’s surprise, Steve had acted shifty in response, claiming that the king-sized bed wasn’t enough room and so it made more sense for him to sleep on the couch. Bucky had put up an argument, but Steve set his jaw and refused to budge.  So, for the last few nights, Steve has been sleeping on the couch. He goes out after everyone else is asleep and is off the couch by the time they awaken, so no one else is the wiser.

But Bucky knows. And, if he’s as honest with himself as Shuri had coaxed him to be, it hurts. The feeling irritates him. What right does he have to be hurt about this? He has no claim on Steve. It was Bucky’s own fault if he had read something into the look on Steve’s face each time they saw each other, the gradual lengthening of their hugs hello and goodbye, the way Steve’s hand lingered just a second too long whenever he clapped Bucky on the shoulder… It had all seemed to be a slow dance, circling each other and getting closer and closer, testing the boundaries of what they both wanted. 

And then, Thanos. 

So, even if Bucky had been reading things right, what was last week for him was five years ago for Steve. Steve lived a life in that time. He moved on. He could have even met someone special. Maybe that was why he gave up the opportunity to go back to Peggy.  

The thought makes bile rise in Bucky’s throat, but he triesto be fair. Steve is the best damn person Bucky’s ever known and he deserves to be happy. As much as he may have claimed that having Bucky back made him happy, from an objective point of view, it had made his life infinitely worse. Because of Bucky, Steve had lost his team and his shield. He’d entered into a life on the run. Once Bucky had come out of the ice, he had become, again, one of Steve’s only constants. Steve had never expressed even a hint of romantic interest before, so it should have been much clearer much sooner that him beginning to do so under such circumstances was a twisted form of Stockholm Syndrome. The five years without Bucky had given Steve the opportunity to really live, for once. To get back in touch with who he was and what he wanted. And if the answer to that was “not Bucky,” Bucky can try to learn to live with it.

No. He _will_ learn to live with it.

But right now, it hurts like hell.

 

* * *

 

When Thor comes to Steve to ask for help, Steve gives it willingly. He gives Thor space to talk about his lost home and his lost brother without judgment. He sets up sparring sessions so Thor can work through some of his anger while also giving his body the movement it craved.  

Steve keeps the sessions light to start out with so as not to overtax Thor as he’s starting to get into a routine. Bucky doubts that it’s intense enough to let Steve work through his own issues and offers a few times to spar with Steve so he can go all out, but each time Steve gets that same shifty look in his eyes and declines.

To everyone else, Steve is the epitome of compassion and healthy coping. Bucky can’t help but see the shadows under his eyes and hear the strain in his voice. Bucky asks him about it. Steve says he’s fine. Bucky knows Steve is lying to his face, but hesitates to call him on it. It’s been five years. He’s not sure he has the right to.

Bucky asks Natasha if she thinks Steve is okay. She tells him that Steve is acting the same as he has for quite a while now. Bucky points out that this is not a real answer and Natasha acknowledges the fact before slipping away.

He’s not sure who else to talk to. Tony may not be actively trying to murder him anymore, but that doesn’t mean he’d been interested in a heart-to-heart with the man who killed his parents. Bruce has never been the keenest social observer. Thor is dealing with his own shit. Ditto Clint. Ditto everyone, as a matter of fact. He can’t begrudge them for it – everyone has to look out for themselves. It’s just that looking out for himself was never Steve’s strong suit.

So, Bucky worries.

 

* * *

  

Their fifth night in the house, Bucky is awakened in the middle of the night again. This time, he picks out a sound he can’t quite identify coming from the living room. He pulls on a pair of sweatpants he’s modified to hold his favorite knife and slips out of the room quietly. 

He follows the soft sounds to the living room, where Steve is sleeping on the couch, his back to the room. As Bucky gets closer, he can see Steve’s shoulders shaking.

Steve is sobbing in his sleep.

Bucky kneels next to the couch and, gently as possible, shakes Steve awake. Steve sits up in a panic.

“It’s okay. It’s okay, buddy.”

“Buck? You’re here. Thank God.”

He pulls Bucky into an enormous bear hug. Bucky feels Steve’s tears against his own cheek. Bucky is at an awkward angle, hunched over uncomfortably into the hug, but he wouldn’t move to save his life right now. Instead, he starts rubbing soothing circles into Steve’s back. Steve seems to relax for a moment before abruptly tensing up and pulling away.

“Shit. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m such a mess right now.”

“You got nothing to be sorry for. What’s going on?”

“I… I couldn’t even tell you. It made sense to be freaking out after we’d failed and lost everyone. But now, everything’s fine. You’re back. We won. And still, every night…” He sniffles and trails off, not meeting Bucky’s eyes. 

“Every night?

“I don’t know how to make it stop. I was trying to spare you from having to deal with it, too.”

“Has anyone told you lately how much of an idiot you are, Steve Rogers?”

Steve managed a small smile at that. “No. Guess I need more Bucky Barnes in my life.”

“Exactly. Come on, get up. Let’s go for a walk.”

 

* * *

 

Bucky takes Steve to walk along the shore of the lake by Tony’s house. It’s a moonless night, but between his enhanced vision and the shining stars reflected in the waters surface, Bucky has no trouble discerning that Steve is still looking troubled.

“At least look up a little, buddy. Haven’t see the stars so clear outside Wakanda in a long time now.”

Steve shrugs, but obliges. “Yeah. Air quality improved with half the population gone. We’ll need to figure out how to keep it that way now.”

“We? Who’s _we_? Unless you got an eco-science degree while I was gone, that does not sound like a problem _you_ are responsible for solving.”

“I have to do something, Buck.”

“Sure. When the scientists have come up with a plan, you do some PSAs to get people behind it. That’s what you do.”

“What if it’s not enough? The fate of the planet is at stake here.”

“The fate of the planet being at stake is kind of par for the course for you, Steve.”

“Right and I’ve already failed at it. I can’t risk failing again.”

Bucky stops and turns to face him. Steve looks determinedly at some point off to Bucky’s right.

“Steve. I’m serious here. Thanos was not your fault.” 

“You don’t know that! I could have…

“We all could have, Steve! I could have gotten to you sooner and helped. Thor could’ve cut Thanos’s head off. The whole world – hell, the whole universe - could have banded together and joined the fight. But I didn’t. He didn’t. They didn’t. Sometimes the bad guys win. I know that more than anyone.”

“But you fought back. You overcame them, in the long run.” 

“So did you.”

“Then why does it still hurt so much?”

Steve turns and starts walking again, faster this time. Bucky speeds up to catch up to him.

“Steve, just because something traumatic is over doesn’t mean it stops having a hold on you. Would you ever have told me to just ‘get over’ Hydra because I was free?”

“Of course not.”

“Then stop doing the same thing to yourself. You’re struggling. Honestly, every person in this house is struggling. And so far, Thor’s the only one who’s been man enough to ask for help.”

“He has every right to – the things he lost aren’t coming back.”

“The fact that things worked out in the end doesn’t undo all the awful shit you had to endure along the way. Why do you think I was in Wakanda so long? It was rough. Really rough. And, I’m gonna be fully honest with you here, sometimes I wondered if it was even worth it. If I was too broken to be worth fixing.”

Steve finally slows. “Bucky, that’s…”

“Just listen, alright? Whenever I’d get close to that edge of despair, I’d think about you. Remembering you were out there… I don’t know. It helped. Gave me a reason to keep going. I don’t know if I can be the same for you, but… I want to be. I’m here for you, buddy.”

“I can handle it on my own.”

Bucky stops walking and puts his hand on Steve’s shoulder. “But the thing is, you don’t have to.”

Steve still won’t look at him, but Bucky can see that his eyes start to fill again.

Bucky smiles crookedly. “What? Upset cause you’re finally realizing that you’re stuck with a genuine sap for a best friend?”

“God, no. I missed you so much, Buck.” A tear rolls down Steve’s cheek and he quickly wipes it away. “Ugh, sorry.”

“Stop apologizing! It’s not the 40s anymore. There’s going to be a hell of a lot more crying before your head’s back on right. I’m speaking from experience here.”

Steve finally turns to face Bucky. His eyes still sparkle with tears, but there’s something else there, too. A steely determination that usually means Steve is about to take down a bully or crash his plane or throw his shield away for a mentally troubled former assassin. 

Bucky is still trying to figure out whether he needs to brace for a punch when Steve leans closer and kisses him softly on the corner of the mouth. Bucky’s eyes flutter closed and he thinks _finally_ and his entire being sings for him to pull Steve into his arms. 

Instead, Bucky gently pulls away and meets Steve’s eyes, careful to exude warmth with no sense of reproach. “Friends don’t let friends make rash decisions when they’re in an emotionally vulnerable place. Let’s give it a little time, okay?”

Despite Bucky’s best intentions, Steve’s face falls and he starts to pull away, mumbling, “sorry.”

“Seriously, what did I say about apologizing?” Bucky rolls his eyes. “C’mere.”

Bucky puts his arm fully around Steve and pulls him in closer. They stay like that for the whole walk back to the house.

 

* * *

 

Bucky doesn’t let Steve sleep in the living room anymore. Steve is initially worried that sharing a bed will be awkward in the wake of what happened, but Bucky dismisses that out of hand. They’ve both spent too many lonely nights in need of comfort that never came. Whatever happens, they’re going to figure it out together.

Most nights, they lay side by side and whisper stories (happy ones, of Brooklyn and shawarma and goats) until they’re both exhausted enough to fall into dreamless sleep.

Some nights, they clasp hands, the heat between their palms a reminder that they are both real and safe and together.

And, on the nights when the dreams do come, Bucky pulls Steve close and strokes his hair while Steve sobs into Bucky’s chest.

By morning, the tears have dried.


End file.
